How to Talk to a Friend
About an Eating Disorder
Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder can have devastating effects on an individual’s health – but the damage they inflict isn’t limited to the person with the condition.
Because disordered eating is often accompanied by shame and denial, individuals who are afflicted with these conditions may pull away from friends and family members, causing rifts in relationships and denying the disordered eater the support she so desperately needs.
Watching a friend struggle with an eating disorder can be painful, but reaching out to help that person when he needs it the most can be among life’s most rewarding experiences. Before you talk to your friend about his disorder and your concerns, though, consider the following:
- DO plan ahead for your conversation – No one (not even the experts) completely understands every cause, trigger, and ramification of an eating disorder. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make an effort to educate yourself before talking to your friend about her condition. Websites such as Something Fishy and Eating-Disorder.com are excellent resources to help bring you up to speed.
- DON’T attempt to stage an “intervention” – Remember that this is a conversation, not a confrontation. Interventions, especially those involving a trained professional, have their time and place, but when it comes to talking with your friend about his eating disorder, keep the focus on discussing your observations, sharing your concerns, and listening to his responses.
- DO express your concerns – You wouldn’t be having this conversation if you hadn’t made worrisome observations about your friend’s appearance and behavior. Express these concerns, but make sure to emphasize that you are doing so not out of “disappointment,” but rather out of a desire to help your friend live the healthiest and happiest life possible.
- DON’T make accusations or judgments – Keep your conversation grounded in objective observations (for example, “I’ve noticed that you don’t eat lunch with us anymore” or “I know you’ve been throwing up right after meals”). Judgments such as “you’re killing yourself” and “you’re nothing but skin and bones” aren’t only argumentative, they might actually be taken by your friend as evidence that what he’s doing is working.
- DO ask your friend to get professional help – You’re probably not a mental health professional, and now is definitely not the time to start pretending that you are. Suggest that your friend see a doctor or counselor about her condition. If she doesn’t know where to find the help she needs, provide her with names and phone numbers of specialists who can treat her, and follow up with her to ensure that she made (and kept) the appointment.
- DON’T offer simplified solutions – Telling an individual with an eating disorder “you just need to eat more” isn’t any more helpful than advising a depressed person to “cheer up.” Eating disorders are complex medical conditions that can require years of treatment. Implying that your friend can end her inner torment simply by having a second helping at dinner is a good way to let her know that you’re really not trying to understand what she’s going through.
- DO let your friend know this is serious – Eating disorders are among the deadliest of all mental health conditions, and even “survivors” can have significantly shortened life spans. There’s little to be gained by trying to scare your friend into treatment, but there’s also no reason to imply that this is a little problem that will go away on its own. Simply put, if your friend has an eating disorder, his life could be in danger. Let him know that he needs to get help, and that you’re prepared to support him every step of the way.
- DON’T make ultimatums – “Get help today or forget about my friendship” might sound like a great motivator, but in reality it’s likely to be either (a) the end of your friendship or (b) evidence that your actions don’t follow your words. If your friend truly has an eating disorder, she is already in a lot of pain, and probably also deep in denial. The last thing she needs to hear from you are expressions of disappointment and threats related to her actions. An eating disorder can be an isolating condition, and one of the primary purposes of this conversation should be to let your friend know that she is not alone.
- DO listen – Your friend may not like what you say to him about his disorder, and you might not like what you hear in return. But it’s important to establish that this is a dialogue, not a lecture, and that your friend’s thoughts, words, and actions all have value. No matter how supportive you are, your friend is ultimately the one who will have to do the majority of the work to overcome his eating disorder – so help him start this process by letting him know that what he says matters to you.
Regardless of how well your conversation goes with your friend, realize that this is just the first step on what may be a long and difficult journey. Your first dialogue isn’t so much about solving a problem as it is mapping out a strategy. Be sure to follow up on everything you talk about (for example, if you promise to call the next day with doctors’ phone numbers, make that call – then call back the following day to verify that your friend made the appointment).
And, most important of all, use every subsequent conversation to reiterate what you said the first time you talked about your friend’s eating disorder: that your friendship is solid, your support is unwavering, and your focus is on doing whatever it takes to help your friend beat this disease.
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